Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I have an orgasm is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.
I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.
You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.
The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.
I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.
Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.
Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.
The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.
Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.
Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.
Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!
Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.
So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.
All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.
Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!
If you’d like personalized help in this area I recommend taking my Playful Sexual Energy Mastery program.