Thanks for not enduring touch that doesn’t feel good

Hand on Leg - 1I am always amazed and surprisingly delighted how little things make a big difference in having a satisfying intimate life.

For example, this morning: I was cuddled up to my love in bed, both of us half asleep, my hand resting on her inner thigh, lightly touching her pussy.

She gave a little grunt and a shake of her leg and said, “Could you move your hand, I don’t like the pressure there.”

I replied, “Sure babe. Thanks for not enduring touch that doesn’t feel good.”

Simple, right?

Oh God how many relationships could have been saved from failure if only those little phrases could have been voiced. How many warm intimate moments and hot juicy fucks might have ensued had these plain words been spoken.

These words spring from an inner power and confidence.

When she speaks them she claims her body and pleasure as her own. She doesn’t put on a smile, and play nice like a good girl, to try to please me or avoid confrontation. The subtext is, “If you’re going to touch me it’s got to feel good to me. Period.”

“Could you move your hand, I don’t like the pressure there.” There’s no blame for me, and no victim in her, in those words. Just a direct request based on the irrefutable evidence of her body sensations. Clean, short and confident.

For myself, there’s just acceptance. I do not disintegrate into a heap of shame and start making myself wrong. I don’t withdraw from the connection.

Or, at the other extreme, I don’t turn into the nasty angry patriarch. “Well, I know how to touch a woman! You should be grateful that I’m an expert lover!”

Nope, none of that. Just, “Sure babe. Thanks for not enduring touch that doesn’t feel good.” I defer to her knowing of what feels good in her body. I’m grateful that I can rely on her to guide my touch if necessary.

And I just move my hand down her leg a few inches.

There’s immense freedom here. The freedom to actually reach out and touch her. Plus the relief of not having to second guess myself – which allows me to relax into our connection and give touch that is pleasurable.

Simple things make all the difference.

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Communication Skills, Desire, Erotic Education, Erotic Mastery, For Men, For Women, Love and Sex, Self-expression, Sexual Healing, Touch Skills, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sexual Healing – Part 3 – The Missing Experience

I’m continuing on with the explanation of my working definition of healing. Which, broken down looks like this:

Healing is a process:
in which a motivated client,
in a strong relationship with a therapist,
experiences painful emotions in regulated doses,
receives a missing experience,
which leads to positive emotions and positive changes to other aspects of their being,
which results in greater ease in receiving the nourishment that life has to offer.

You can follow the links to read previous two posts. Also I want to say that for the purposes of this explanation the healing process is laid out in a series of linear steps. The process is actually much more organic than that. Any one of those steps could happen at anytime and they support each other and the whole process.

So in this post I’m writing about “receives a missing experience.” Continue reading

Posted in Emotion, For Men, For Women, Sexual Healing, Somatic Sex Education | Leave a comment

Understanding Sexual Healing – Part 2

In a previous post I proposed a working definition of healing:

“Healing is a process in which a motivated client, in a strong relationship with a therapist, experiences painful emotions in regulated doses, receives a missing experience, leading to the experience of positive emotions and positive changes to other aspects of their being, leading to greater ease in receiving the nourishment that life has to offer.” (I added that part in italics. I’m working my definition.)

And I talked about the first part of that definition in detail, “Healing is a process in which a motivated client, in a strong relationship with a therapist…”

In this post, I’m going to explain the next part of the process “…experiences painful emotions in regulated doses…”
Continue reading

Posted in Emotion, Sexual Healing | Leave a comment

Casual, Committed or Conscious Sex

A recent email conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking about the differences between Casual, Committed and Conscious sex and how to get more good sex in general.

My friend is a woman who is beautiful, smart, unattached and very busy as a full time grad student. Here’s what she wrote: Continue reading

Posted in Dating, Desire, Love and Sex, Sex Positive Culture | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Women Paying For Sex?!

This piece of writing is specifically directed toward heterosexual women but I hope there is something in it for you even if you’re not in that particular group.

Traditionally the main consumers of paid sexual services have been men. There are many reasons for that. I think most significantly women have had far less disposable income so were unable to afford the services of sex workers (still largely true) but also for a woman to actually have her own sexual desire, apart from her “duty” to take care of her man, was considered unladylike, immoral or downright slutty (also still largely true). Continue reading

Posted in Desire, Erotic Education, For Women | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Finding the Road to ErosTown

This bit of writing is especially for couples.

I’d like to make a distinction between Love and Eros. In my opinion most folks tend to confuse these two characters. Like they’re one and the same. My belief is that while they do share a certain affinity, they actually live in quite different neighbourhoods.

In LoveVille everything is well lit, known, routine and comfortable. Love likes it that way. In ErosTown there are plenty of dark corners and you never know who you’re going to meet or what sort of adventure is around the corner. Eros is happy here.

Continue reading

Posted in Communication Skills, Erotic Education, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Touch Skills | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Understanding the Sexual Healing Process – What is Healing Anyway – Part 1?

All right, I’m working on an synthesis of my knowledge and experience about sexual healing from the perspective of my own practice with my clients, which is a combination of erotic/sexual touch, mindfulness, and a form a body centred psychotherapy called Hakomi which I’ve been studying for 3 years now.

I’m writing this mostly because I want potential clients to read it and to know what they are getting into before they come to see me for sexual healing work. I mean, seriously, the work I am doing is way out on the edge of the mainstream radar screen and I imagine most people need some help getting their heads around it. Maybe I’m naïve but my hope is that this writing will help further the conversation about sexual healing, attract clients that are interested in the process, allow them to make an informed choice, and prime them for success in their healing process.

Before we get specifically into sexual healing I feel it’s important to make an attempt at defining and describing what “healing” actually means. Continue reading

Posted in Erotic Education, Mindfulness, Sexual Healing | 2 Comments

Understanding The Sexual Healing Process – Introduction

For almost three years now I have been training in a form of emotion and body centred psychotherapy called Hakomi. This method, the life work of visionary Ron Kurtz who just recently passed away, is a synthesis of ancient spiritual practices and the most leading edge science on the workings of the brain/mind/emotion/body phenomena.

I want to be clear that I’m not yet a certified Hakomi practitioner and what happens in my sessions with clients is not pure Hakomi. However through my study and practice of Hakomi I’ve gained powerful tools and an understanding of the healing process which has greatly influenced my work as a sexual healer. I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time.

My desire in this writing process is to advance the conversation around hands-on sexual healing into the realm of science while keeping it accessible to people. Right now there is way too much of a spiritual, new age, Tantra bias in my profession. Continue reading

Posted in Emotion, Erotic Energy, Mindfulness, Sexual Healing, Somatic Sex Education | 3 Comments

The Journey to Erotic Self-expression

There are times in life when the erotic spark just disappears. The loss of a relationship is a good example. If one’s erotic life is inspired by a significant Other, then losing Them can be devastating. But loss, accompanied with appropriate grieving of course, also makes room for something new to emerge.

Even when nothing as dramatic as the loss of a lover happens, there are natural ebbs and flows to our erotic self-expression. I notice myself how I go through spells of excitement and boredom. For a while I’ll really be into a new sex toy, a new author, or a new video that gets me turned on. Or I’ll get into some embodied practice like breathwork, meditation, or a tantric ritual that excites me for a spell…and then it doesn’t. I have to admit I’m fickle and easily bored. Continue reading

Posted in Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Self-expression, Spiritual Practice | Leave a comment

Becoming A Somatic Sex Educator

The title of my website is Massage By Ki implies massage and you might wonder what the link is between massage and Somatic Sex Education. It seems like quite a jump.

Telling my personal story of how I got into this work and how I’m still growing in it might make it easier to understand. Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Erotic Education and Sex-Negativity

I often teach classes about sex – erotic massage, sexual communication, tantra and the like. Of course most people are just too anxious to even consider coming to a class about sex. Which leads me into a discussion on why that is.

The main reason is, “On some level we are all afraid and ashamed of sex.”

This is no surprise. We live in a profoundly sex-negative culture. Beliefs like, “If I enjoy sex I am a bad person” or “Sex is scary and messy” are conditioned into us from an early age and operate powerfully on our emotions under the surface of our consciousness. Read my friend John Ince’s book The Politics of Lust to get a detailed analysis about the pervasiveness of sex-negativity in our culture and it’s effect on our psyches. Continue reading

Posted in Erotic Education, Erotic Mastery, Mindfulness, Sex-negativity | Leave a comment

Learning Massage, Learning to Live

This article was written by one of my erotic massage students, Paul. It’s inspiring! He has more writings on his blog The Listing Bucketeer

My wife and I have always enjoyed receiving a good massage.
Mostly we’d fill the need by heading out to the local clinic or spa, but we also read a few books and took the occasional class on massage techniques. I tried diligently to apply them.

Yet I struggled with how to give my partner the kind of massage experience that I know I like to receive. As a ‘geek’ who earned his living in a technical profession, I’d never thought of myself as very skilled in the physical department. My kinesthetic sense is ‘poorly developed’. I imagined I would never be very good, and that I would still have to send her out to a spa for the best treatment. When I was giving a massage, I had to check the clock frequently to make sure I didn’t shortchange her. It never crossed my mind that I could enjoy giving a massage as much as receiving one.

Lately, however, I seem to be getting better. Without effort, the massages I give are now longer. Even my wife tells me I’ve improved. Continue reading

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Mastery, Spiritual Practice, Touch Skills | Leave a comment

Honouring Desire

I’m going to start this post with a personal story.

My spiritual journey started with Buddhist meditation. I had my first true spiritual energetic experience, a direct experience of God, while doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After that, for many years, I meditated in silence and stillness for at least 2 hours a day.

Somehow, not fully understanding the teachings, I began to believe that what I desired was the cause of all my suffering. I convinced myself that if I just sat on my desires long enough, especially sexual desires, and endured the physical sensations and emotions they evoked, which could best be described as a ride on a burning roller coaster, that I would achieve Enlightenment. Continue reading

Posted in Communication Skills, Love and Sex, Spiritual Practice | Leave a comment

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I have an orgasm is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well. Continue reading

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | Leave a comment

7 Breaths To Erotic Aliveness

My clients tend to be very successful and busy with their career and their families. They need ways to relax and feel more erotically alive while on the go. Here’s a “micro-practice” I often share with them which I call Global Breathing.

First, here’s how to approach Global Breathing.

Seek the pleasure, make this fun. Breathing by its very nature is a sensual erotic activity, so look for that quality in this practice. Continue reading

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Energy | Leave a comment

Massage Yourself not Just Your Online Dating Profile

I have many friends who are searching for love and connection via online dating sites. My friends are spending hours flirting, chatting, writing emails, arranging dates, and “massaging their profiles” in their quest for love and sex.

It’s a challenging game. Unanswered emails, getting stood up, and bad dates are all too common. I really admire anyone who persists. The disappointments far outnumber the successes.

I have a tip to help your chances of success and it has nothing to do with your computer.

It comes from my own experience of attracting my own Beloved into my life. Continue reading

Posted in Breathing, Dating, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | Leave a comment

Tips For Giving Great Sensual Touch

Giving great sensual touch with your hands is the most important sexual skill you can have.  If your sex life isn’t as satisfying as  you’d like it, before rushing off to get a new sex toy, try improving your touch skills with these few easy tips. You can practice them with your partner or with yourself.

#1 – Breathe

Centre and energize yourself by breathing comfortably into your belly for a minute or two before touching. The key word here is comfortably. Don’t force your breathe or strain yourself to “breathe deeply”.  Rather, just notice your breath in your body and expand it just a little bit more on the inhale and let it go effortlessly on the exhale. While touching, keep your breath moving – don’t hold it. The more you breathe the more you feel. Continue reading

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Touch Skills | Leave a comment

Finding Pleasure

One of the joys of having a body is feeling pleasure. But how often, when we are having sex, are we actually feeling pleasure? I’ll use a personal story to make my point.

Not long ago I was getting sexy with my Beloved. We were in the missionary position (it never goes out of style) and I was inside her vigorously pumping away like a sweaty porn star.

Most definitely I was enjoying the playful high energy. Then a thought drifted in from somewhere.

Is there pleasure in what is physically happening to me right now in this moment? Continue reading

Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Education, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex | Leave a comment

Bi-curious Exploration for Men

Last weekend I hosted a workshop called “Like a Pro” that was taught by Dr. Betty Martin from Seattle. Betty is my favourite teacher of intimacy skills. The class was geared to people like myself who use touch especially sensual and sexual touch as part of their profession – be it educational, therapeutic or as Betty put it, “providing a sensual oasis for your clients”, good old fashioned pleasure. Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment