There are times in life when the erotic spark just disappears. The loss of a relationship is a good example. If one’s erotic life is inspired by a significant Other, then losing Them can be devastating. But loss, accompanied with appropriate grieving of course, also makes room for something new to emerge.
Even when nothing as dramatic as the loss of a lover happens, there are natural ebbs and flows to our erotic self-expression. I notice myself how I go through spells of excitement and boredom. For a while I’ll really be into a new sex toy, a new author, or a new video that gets me turned on. Or I’ll get into some embodied practice like breathwork, meditation, or a tantric ritual that excites me for a spell…and then it doesn’t. I have to admit I’m fickle and easily bored.
For me there is a natural acceptance of these ebbs and flows. But I’ve never let the ebbs turn into stagnant backwaters. There is danger in neglect – if you don’t use it you do lose it – and this is certainly true with our erotic muscles, literally, as in our pelvic floor muscles, and figuratively, in our ability to get fired up, turned on, and really let go into our desire.
I do see a lot of people in my practice that have neglected their erotic expression for far too long and as a result they feel dead and lost. Usually there are other diseases of body and mind that have moved in as well. If the hearth is cold, the house gets moldy – here on the West Coast especially. For these folks the journey to erotic self-expression is also an important journey of self-transformation.
I love taking people on that journey because there is so much room for diverse and soulful activities and so much reward. There is a natural instinct in us to heal and, I believe, that erotic energy is both the fuel and the destination.
On that journey my favourite vehicle is of course erotic bodywork. Massage is always a nourishing place to go when it can be received. But for some people erotic massage is too-much-too-fast. In those cases we’ll often start by talking about their erotic history or dreams. We’ll try to discover the fragments and rough sketches of an erotic narrative that can be filled in and brought to life. Often times there is a well formed story already written but what’s lacking is some impetus to move it into the production phase. That push, from thought into action, is often simply having a bit of permission and a friendly co-conspirator – me.
Whatever the way forward, and there are so many directions and ways to enter the journey, it rarely happens instantly. And you won’t get there without putting some courage and energy into it. We’re talking the C-word here … Commitment.
The lack of commitment to the journey is a big source of sadness for me. I’ll see a client once or a few times and we’ll make some real progress. But not enough progress for them. In this speedy-digital-consumer-culture people want results NOW, preferably online and downloadable for free.
Or they’ll come in with some preconceived idea about what the journey (into what is fundamentally a mystery) will look like and they’ll get discouraged when the reality that unfolds is much different. Ironically if they could only accept what IS they would see how powerful, imaginative and wickedly funny the Universe can be. But alas, not getting their little version, they give up on the journey. It makes me want to cry. Believe me, I have lots of practice grieving the lost opportunities in my work.
If only people could believe in themselves and commit to the journey even just for a few months. The places they’d go. The new things they’d discover. They’d be awe struck at how their erotic self-expression could be renewed and could become the foundation for a life lived passionately. Who wouldn’t want that??
The nice thing is… you don’t have to journey alone.